• The Central Park Zoo’s famous gay penguins are finally able to tie the knot. • Jeter and A-Rod can finally stop all of the “Sam and Diane” nonsense and just go for it. • The Men’s Wearhouse has doubled its inventory of tuxedos available in women’s sizes. • There was absolutely no noticeable uptick at all in Netflix streams of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
• Give weekly radio address calling for stronger regulations on Wall Street fat cats. • Count $2.5 million in campaign contribution donations raised in one day from Wall Street fat cats. • Bag up all of Bo’s droppings from the White House lawn, go over to Eric Cantor’s porch, set the bag on fire, ring the doorbell and run! • Catch up on TiVo-ed episodes of Glee. Continue to “evolve” on the gay marriage question.
As the withdrawal of US troops in Afghanistan begins, so too will the withdrawal of billions of dollars of US cash from the country’s economy. To compensate, Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai is already hard at work to reposition his country as the perfect vacation destination. Here are some of the tourism slogans currently under consideration.
Afghanistan — Come for the shell craters, stay for the human rights violations!
After a long absence, Sergio Aragonés reprises his popular feature in MAD #510, on sale now!
After going 1-18 in June (and the month ain’t over yet!) Florida Marlins' manager Edwin Rodriguez decided to quit before the team had a chance to fire him. In a bold move, the Marlins immediately hired Jack McKeon as interim manager. We have nothing against McKeon, but HE’S 80 FRICKIN’ YEARS OLD!!!! Wasn’t there some fresh-faced 65-year old in their farm system that they wanted to give a shot to?!? The Marlins will learn the error of their ways fast enough as they check off this starting lineup of…