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Lines from Diana Nyad’s Victory Speech

WATER BORED DEPT.

After failing four times in the past, 64-year-old Diana Nyad successfully swam from Cuba to Florida over the weekend. She made the 110-mile journey in just under 53 hours (slightly faster than Amtrak!), and was also the first person to do so without using a shark cage. Clearly, it’s cause for celebration! And for a speech from a water-logged, exhausted senior citizen!

Marco Rubio’s “Watergate” Moment

WATER FOR GOP ELEPHANTS DEPT.

Last night, while delivering the GOP rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union Address, an obviously-parched Senator Marco Rubio reached for a bottle of water. Unfortunately, he wasn’t exactly as graceful as a ballerina. Actually, it was more akin to a 1,000-pound man lunging for the last shrimp at an all-you-can eat buffet. But was this brief human moment worth all the ridiculous hoopla that the media is giving it? Nah, it’s already water under the bridge.

Lies that George Zimmerman’s Wife Told Police

LIAR BEWARE DEPT.

George Zimmerman’s wife, Shellie, was charged with perjury on Tuesday after telling a judge that the couple had “limited money,” when they’d actually raised over $135,000 on George’s website, TrayvonKindOfScaredMe.com. If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine — and that’s not even taking into account these...

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