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The Startling Similarities and Differences Between Chris Brown and Jesus Christ

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIS DEPT.

After reportedly assaulting Frank Ocean, Chris Brown posted a picture on Instagram of Jesus on the cross, with the message “Painting the way I feel today.” Awww, poor fella. Heavy is the head that wears the thorny crown! Still, we got to thinking, maybe we’re being too hard on Chris—especially if he IS the second coming! Which got us thinking about…

New Monopoly Pieces for Modern America

TOKEN GESTURES DEPT.

Hasbro announced that they would be retiring one of the classic Monopoly game pieces and replacing it with a brand new one! (Your days are numbered, Iron!) Fans will get to vote on which piece gets the heave-ho, and on which new one should replace it — either a cat, a robot, a helicopter, a diamond ring or a guitar. But those choices are about as fun as playing Monopoly without cheating!

Other Indicators That 2012 Was the Hottest Year on Record

SOME DISLIKE IT HOT DEPT.

2012 was the hottest year in the nation’s history! And while that’s not a surprise to anyone who set foot outside in the last 365 days (excluding that loveable shut-in, John Caldwell), there were several other tip-offs that you might have missed.

Norman Rockwell’s Freedom from Fear Updated

At one of the darkest times in our country’s history, Pearl Harbor and World War II, Norman Rockwell, inspired by a speech by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, painted his “Four Freedoms” series. Each of the paintings depicts  a fundamental freedom that people everywhere in the world ought to enjoy — freedom of Speech and Worship, and freedom from Want and Fear. Tragically, three days ago in Newtown, Connecticut, one of these freedoms again came under assault.

Pepsi’s Rejected Beyoncé-Style Cans

DRINK AND DRIVEL DEPT.

It was announced this week that Pepsi and Beyoncé have become “global partners.” What that means (other than sounding like a “Risk” alliance) is that Beyoncé is getting $50 million to do a bunch of Pepsi stuff — including having her face on Pepsi cans. We figured there must have been other candidates for the job — and luckily, we discovered some of the other celebs Pepsi considered for the can-treatment before they settled on Beyoncé!

The Thanksgiving Day Parade KAWS Balloon — His Face Revealed!

KAWS & DEFECT DEPT.

This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will debut a brand new balloon based on the character “Companion” by the former graffiti artist KAWS. Sure, it’s exciting — but he's covering up his face! Who knows what’s behind those be-gloved hands?!? We do! And now, so do you.

“Papa John” Schnatter: Stingiest Man Alive!

A REAL PIZZA SH*T DEPT.

If you thought that the worst thing about Papa John’s Pizza was the pizza, prepare to be stunned! Turns out that the policies of “Papa John” himself, John Schnatter, will leave an even worse taste in your mouth! The chain’s founder and CEO said that Obamacare would cost him too much money and that he’d have to cut the hours of employees eligible for healthcare. It looks like Schnatter just wants a bigger piece of the pie…

Interesting Facts About Felix Baumgartner’s Space Jump

THERE’S NOTHING TO FEAR BUT STRATOSPHERE ITSELF DEPT.

On Sunday, Felix Baumgartner broke both the sound barrier AND the record for the highest freefall. What would make a man hurl himself from a balloon-lifted capsule, dozens of miles above earth? Science! Baumgartner’s drop will help professionals develop new parachute systems, provide info to aid in emergency spacecraft evacuation, and — most importantly — offer valuable data about high-velocity impacts on dirt fields by Austrian feet. But that’s just the beginning of what we can learn from this momentous man-hurling!

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