THE HURT MOCKER DEPT.
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SPLIT HAPPENS DEPT.
The newest issue of Vanity Fair contains an article about Scientology, alleging that the Church held auditions in 2004 to find a wife for Tom Cruise. And with Tommy Boy single again, that means there’s a new opening! Since we would never stand in the way of love (or, for that matter, downwind of it), we’re happy to present another journalistic exclusive.
Today it was announced that recently-appointed North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has entered the bonds of holy matrimony. Not much is known about the wife, Ri Sol-Ju, besides the fact that she has a thing for round, frowning despots. Although North Korea is a notoriously secretive country, details of the wedding spectacular still seem to be leaking through. Maybe Kim’s drunk uncle Frank accidentally went on a rant to the press. Maybe the wedding cake had a delicious, wire-tap center.
Over the weekend Facebook founder (and our eventual dark overlord) Mark Zuckerberg got married to his college sweetheart. And that got us thinking about what happens after the wedding. You know...paying the caterers! Hold on, what were YOU thinking of?!? Gross! Apparently, not everyone is as high-minded and mature as we are — which is why we shamefully point out these...
After 7 years and almost as many babies, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announced that they’re engaged to be married. What does this mean for the allegedly-happy couple? For one thing, they can look forward to getting a brand new toaster! It also means you’ll have to read these…