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"New Rules" for the Mets now that Bill Maher is a Part Owner

ANOTHER FINE METS DEPT.

This past weekend, comedian Bill Maher revealed that he bought a 4% interest in the New York Mets. Knowing the outspoken Maher, we expect it's only a matter of time before he begins butting into team affairs and throwing his weight around. Just like on his HBO show, Real Time, Maher will soon begin imposing some ridiculous "New Rules."

Signs That Zombies Do Exist

ZOMBIE DEAREST DEPT.

Recently, the Center for Disease Control reassured the public that despite various cannibal crimes that have occurred lately, there is NOT a virus in existence could result in a zombie apocalypse (seriously). While we’d like to be comforted by this official stance, we also know better than to trust anything the government says! And it actually doesn’t take much investigating to see that the CDC is full of BS.

Surprising Developments in the World Chess Championship Match

BORED GAME DEPT.

Yesterday, Viswanathan Anand successfully defended his title as World Chess Champion by defeating Boris Gelfand. Now, we know what you’re thinking — the only thing more boring than playing chess has got to be watching chess be played. Well that’s where you’re wrong! The match was filled with exciting, surprising events! Don’t get us wrong, it was still boring – but for a chess game, pretty exciting!

Things You Could Have Done with $38 Instead of Buying a Share of Facebook Stock

AN UNFAIR SHARE DEPT.

As shares of Facebook stock continue to fall, many investors are now wringing their hands, ruing the day they paid a whopping $38 per share for Facebook’s Initial Public Offering. With billions lost and the stock now down over 20%, all that investors can do is weep uncontrollably and think about all the great things they could have spent that money on. 

Other Explosive Vatican Secrets Revealed by the Pope's Butler

POWER TO THE PAPAL DEPT.

Recently, The Pope’s butler was arrested on charges that he’d stolen secret documents! This is huge news! The Pope has a freakin’ butler! (That must be a VERY fancy gent!) You might be wondering — are the secrets he leaked actually that embarrassing? Is the Pope Catholic?!?! 

Other Product Placement in the New James Bond Movie

LICENSE TO SHILL DEPT.

It was recently announced that in the next James Bond movie, Skyfall, the legendary spy will not be drinking his trademark martinis — instead he’ll be sipping Heinekens. We think it’s shameful when a classic institution whores itself out (unrelated, but be sure to watch MAD on Cartoon Network!) — and we realize it’s only the beginning in a slew of dreadful product placement in the Bond films.  

The Further Adventures of Obama Head-Touch Boy

RUBBED HEAD OF STATE DEPT.

The New York Times today published an article about 5-year-old Jacob Philadelphia, who, on a visit to the Oval Office in 2009, asked President Obama if he could feel his hair (a question that will definitely never be asked if Mitt Romney wins in November). A photographer captured the heartwarming moment, and the photo has hung in the White House ever sinc

Difficulties Encountered by MAD Associate Editor Dave Croatto While Trying to Build a Closet This Weekend

D.I.WHY? DEPT.

Contrary to what you might think, MAD staff members actually have lives outside of the office. And what wonderful lives they are! Most weekends, you’ll find us enjoying fascinating interests, exciting adventures and fast-paced, cosmopolitan pastimes. Most weekends…but not all. Which brings us to:

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