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New Shows on the DogTV Channel

IT'S THE LEASH YOU CAN DO DEPT.

DogTV, a new on-demand channel made specifically for dogs, recently debuted in San Diego — and enough suckers there are paying five bucks a month for it that DogTV will soon be offered nationwide.  The channel features “footage and soundtracks designed for stimulation [and] relaxation” — meaning lots of traffic, nature scenes, and, of course, canine-centric twists on human favorites.

North Korea's Rocket Failure Kit

JONG-Y ROCKETS DEPT.

Yesterday, a rocket launched by North Korea went kablooey (which is NOT a Korean word meaning “successfully into space”!) The failure left the country’s leaders with egg on their faces — which, tragically, for millions of starving North Koreans, is as close to a meal as they’ll get! It’s not surprising that the rocket blew apart, considering where it came from...

Insanely Exhaustive Reasons Why Charles Manson Was Denied Parole

YOU'VE GOT JAIL DEPT.

On Wednesday, Charles Manson was denied parole for the 12th, and probably final, time. Ever since being locked up 40 years ago for engineering a series of grisly murders, ol’ Chuckles just can’t catch a break! We’re sure that the parole board must have had their reasons for keeping the wild-eyed kook from sweet, sweet freedom — in fact, here they are!

Ozzie Guillen's Despot Dream Team

HALL OF SHAME DEPT.

Miami Marlins coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games after stating that he “loved” and “respected” longtime Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Last time we checked, the constitution protected free speech — even free stupid speech.

Surprising Discoveries Made at the White House Easter Egg Roll

THE YOLK'S ON THEM DEPT.

Today the White House hosted its annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn. We weren’t invited (thanks to an incident last year involving lawn darts and David Axelrod — who’s recovering nicely, we’re happy to report) but many children were. And plenty of unlucky kids rolled their eggs off course into the treacherous fringes of the lawn — where they made some pretty startling discoveries.

Other Misconceptions Reinforced in the Mary J. Blige Burger King Commercial

WRAP MUSIC DEPT.

A controversy has erupted over the new Burger King ad featuring Mary J. Blige. Critics say it plays to the stereotype that African Americans like chicken. After careful review of the ad, we’ve discovered that the chicken stereotype is the least of the commercial’s problems.

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