MAKING THE HOST OF A BAD SITUATION DEPT.
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MAGNUM FARCE DEPT.
Yesterday, spineless Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid refused to put up for a vote a bill that would ban assault weapons.
CONFESSIONS OF A COURTROOM DRAMA QUEEN DEPT.
When Lindsay Lohan yesterday accepted a plea deal for driving into a dump truck, part of the agreement was that she’d do 90 days of hard rehab. We’re not sure that this is going to help all that much, but at the very least, her latest legal episode will provide fodder for her big comeback movie.
ANY WHICH WAY BUT LUCIFER DEPT.
APE FEAR DEPT.
North Korea’s supreme leader, the pudgy, 30-year-old Kim Jong Un, keeps issuing nuclear threats from his crumbling peninsula (when he’s not entertaining semi-forgotten NBA rebounders, of course) — threatening to attack South Korea, the United States, and possibly parts of Guam. While nobody’s quite sure how seriously to take this guy, one thing is for certain: the whole ridiculous episode is starting to feel like a bad movie.
For the second time in a month, a Carnival Cruise ship — this one called “The Dream” and henceforth known as “The Nightmare” — is suffering power outages and pesky plumbing problems. Note: by “pesky plumbing problems,” we mean what passengers call “large amount of human waste all over the floor in bathrooms and staterooms.” On the positive side, we hear the view from the stench-ridden cabins is lovely this time of year.
WE THE PAPAL DEPT.
CHANCE OF WAYNE DEPT.