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New Monopoly Pieces for Modern America

TOKEN GESTURES DEPT.

Hasbro announced that they would be retiring one of the classic Monopoly game pieces and replacing it with a brand new one! (Your days are numbered, Iron!) Fans will get to vote on which piece gets the heave-ho, and on which new one should replace it — either a cat, a robot, a helicopter, a diamond ring or a guitar. But those choices are about as fun as playing Monopoly without cheating!

Other Indicators That 2012 Was the Hottest Year on Record

SOME DISLIKE IT HOT DEPT.

2012 was the hottest year in the nation’s history! And while that’s not a surprise to anyone who set foot outside in the last 365 days (excluding that loveable shut-in, John Caldwell), there were several other tip-offs that you might have missed.

Al Roker’s Upsetting New Book

THE SHART IS A LONELY HUNTER DEPT.

In a recent Dateline interview about his gastric bypass surgery, Al Roker admitted that in 2002, as he was getting used to the procedure’s aftereffects, he attempted to fart but wound up...let’s say...welcoming a brown front to the southern region. Then he threw his underwear in the garbage and went Al-Roker fresco.

MAD Exclusive: Map of the Biggest Gum Owners in Your Neighborhood

FUNNY, YOU DON’T LOOK CHEWISH DEPT.

Taking a cue from Westchester County’s Journal News, which recently published the names and addresses of gun permit-holders in Westchester and Rockland Counties, MAD boldly uses this same exposé technique to focus attention on another problem afflicting Americans of all ages: tooth decay among gum owners. How bad is the situation in your neighborhood?

MAD Re-captions NRA Exec. Vice President Wayne LaPierre’s News Conference

IN DEEP SHOOT DEPT.

Abraham Lincoln once said “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” And after a week of silence regarding the tragic shootings in Newtown, CT, the NRA learned that lesson the hard way. This afternoon, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference where he suggested that having armed guards in all schools would prevent something like Newtown from happening again.

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