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SPLATTER UP DEPT.
Fresh off its record $58.4 million sale at Christie’s last night, Jackson Pollock’s “No. 19, 1948” is suddenly at the center of a growing controversy. After a closer inspection revealed a significant flaw, the buyer’s representatives are demanding a full refund — and we can’t really blame them.
JUICETICE IS BLIND DEPT.
O.J. Simpson is currently arguing before a judge that he should be freed from jail because his lawyer botched his 2008 trial for armed robbery and kidnapping. (Poor guy — he can’t get away with anything!) His new lawyers will present 19 reasons why the Juice should be let loose — and we managed to get our hands on a few!
MOUTH WATERING-GATE DEPT.
THE EYES OF TAXES ARE UPON YOU DEPT.
With recent revelations of the Internal Revenue Service’s automatic flagging of the Tea Party and other conservative groups has come a wave of justifiable outrage from all sides. But how to explain to your children such a flagrant abuse of power? Perhaps this new book will help.
COMIN’ AROUND THE BENGHAZI DEPT.
The attack on Libya’s American embassy on Sept. 11 was a tragedy. And as if that weren’t terrible enough, now it’s being said that then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mismanaged the situation, and if it had been handled differently, it might have been avoided entirely. As the accusations continue and new evidence comes to light, Hil’s original story about how things went down is holding less and less water. We’ll see how things shake out, but one thing is for sure — it’s tough to find a silver lining in all this.
JUST DESSERTS DEPT.
One of the most disturbing revelations from the recent Cleveland abduction case was that alleged kidnapper Ariel Castro “celebrated” his captors’ abductions with an annual “abduction cake” on the dates of their seizure. Now that he’s awaiting trial for his crimes, however, we all have a real reason to celebrate.
UDDER STUPIDITY DEPT.
MAD is proud to present a brand new, ongoing comic strip — featuring the astonishing adventures of a young boy, his bovine companion, and their exciting exploits as they travel through the time stream, desperately trying to get back home, all while staying one step ahead of the evil and carnivorous Dr. Chops. (It’s pretty much the same plotline as “Cathy.”)
EAT, WEIGH, GUV DEPT.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently revealed that he had undergone lap-band surgery in order to help him get down to his “goal weight” of a svelte 535 pounds. We salute his newfound resolve to lead a healthier life — but, given his donut-inhaling history, we’re a little worried about a relapse. But if such a thing does happen, it will at least make for riveting drama.
MAIL ENHANCEMENT DEPT.
Good news, pervy shut-ins! Now you can order Viagra online and have it delivered right to your home! You’ll never have to put on pants again! So, to sum up, a great day for weirdoes — and a terrible day for their mail carriers!