AIRPORT INTERMINABLE DEPT.
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UH-OH SILVER! DEPT.
Disney’s big summer movie, The Lone Ranger, opened last week — and although it got savaged by the critics, it made up for those poor reviews by getting absolutely demolished at the box office by Despicable Me. Since nobody gave a sweet kemosabe about the masked man, maybe the filmmakers would’ve done better if they’d mooched off the success of an actual hit…
ALL FIREWORKS AND NO PLAY DEPT.
LIVING IN CINEMA DEPT.
GOING THROUGH AN AWKWARD FACE DEPT.
ANIMAL HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES DEPT.
Today, the interest rate for subsidized Stafford college loans doubled from 3.4% to 6.8%, all due to (ready for it?) an inability by DC legislators to simply extend the current lower rate. The increase will add hundreds or thousands more dollars to the already crippling costs of higher education for many lower and moderate income families. It’s so chilling, this classic dorm poster may need to be updated.
TIGHT END OF THE LINE DEPT.
Things keep getting worse for former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez, who is under investigation for a 2012 double murder in Boston at the same time a case proceeds against him for the murder of a “friend.” Virtually nobody is proclaiming Hernandez’s innocence, and he seems destined for a life of dirty bunkbeds and sharpened toothbrush handles. Is there anyone out there who can sympathize with this guy? Funny you should ask…
DEEN OF ADMISSIONS DEPT.
Since Paula Deen’s admission that she used a racially insensitive word, her endorsement deals have been drying up faster than a double-breaded chicken breast deep fried in oil for 3 to 5 days. Her fall from grace reminds us of that of another southern belle from deep in the heart of Dixie.
CIVIL RIGHTS AND WRONGS DEPT.
Yesterday, in their finite wisdom, the Supreme Court essentially overturned the 1965 Voting Rights Act, the passage of which was one of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s greatest accomplishments. Tragically, Dr. King was taken from us many years ago, but if he were alive now we’re sure he’d have something to say.
THE MORE THE MARRY-ER DEPT.
Today, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the Defense of Marriage of Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional — meaning that same-sex couples would receive the same federal benefits as other married couples. It’s a great day for equality, a great day for tolerance, and a terrible day for homosexuals with commitment issues. All in all, though, SCOTUS made a bold move — and it’s time to sing their praises.