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Alex Rodriguez’s Hall of Fame Plaque

BIOGENESIS EXODUS DEPT.

It was announced today that Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through the end of the 2014 baseball season due to his use of performance-enhancing drugs (and his reported cover-up of that P.E.D. use — which apparently didn’t go so well). While an appeal is inevitable, his cheating-filled legacy appears set — and if he somehow makes it to Cooperstown, we have a pretty good idea what his plaque will look like.

Anthony Weiner is Back in “Sexter” Season 2

CARLOS DANGEROUS LIAISONS DEPT.

When we ran the first version of this ad two years ago, we assumed that Sexter would run for a single season before being cancelled. However, now that more dirty messages and nude shots of Anthony Weiner have turned up (dated a full year AFTER his initial sexting scandal broke) this show has been renewed...even if his New York mayoral hopes are being cancelled.

Paula Deen’s Career: Gone With the Wind

DEEN OF ADMISSIONS DEPT.

Since Paula Deen’s admission that she used a racially insensitive word, her endorsement deals have been drying up faster than a double-breaded chicken breast deep fried in oil for 3 to 5 days. Her fall from grace reminds us of that of another southern belle from deep in the heart of Dixie.

The I.R.S.'s Puzzling New Children's Book

THE EYES OF TAXES ARE UPON YOU DEPT.

With recent revelations of the Internal Revenue Service’s automatic flagging of the Tea Party and other conservative groups has come a wave of justifiable outrage from all sides. But how to explain to your children such a flagrant abuse of power? Perhaps this new book will help.

Lindsay Lohan’s Pathetic New Movie

CONFESSIONS OF A COURTROOM DRAMA QUEEN DEPT.

When Lindsay Lohan yesterday accepted a plea deal for driving into a dump truck, part of the agreement was that she’d do 90 days of hard rehab. We’re not sure that this is going to help all that much, but at the very least, her latest legal episode will provide fodder for her big comeback movie.

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