Other Punishments for Lance Armstrong

CYCLE KILLER DEPT.

Yesterday, Lance Armstrong decided to stop contesting the charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his career. He still denies that he ever doped, but it still means that he’ll be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles, his Olympic bronze medal and any other titles from 1998 onward (thankfully, he can keep his Latin Grammy). He’ll also have to return all prize money, and will be barred for life from performing or even coaching. That’s all gotta hurt…and it’s not even the worst of it!

Roger Clemens Hall of Fame Plaque Revealed

ASTERISK AND REWARD DEPT.

Legendary baseball fraud Roger Clemens beat the steroid-perjury rap yesterday when a jury declared him innocent of lying to Congress — thereby boosting his chances of getting into to the Hall of Fame from “zero” to “hopelessly remote.” On the off chance that he does make it, here’s the plaque that awaits him in Cooperstown.

The Strange Similarities Between Roger Clemens and John Edwards

CHEATS DON'T FAIL ME NOW! DEPT.

Two high profile trials are currently underway. One involves former Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens and his alleged lies to Congress about using steroids. The other involves former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards and his use of campaign funds to hide an affair and love child. Two men. Two very different professions. And yet one can’t help but notice…

Barry Bonds Safe at Home — Again

Steroid King Barry Bonds has added yet another milestone to the several Major League Baseball records he acquired from swelling his muscles through doping. (His head, we think, has always been that big.) This time, it’s escaping actual years in the slammer from his Obstruction of Justice conviction, and instead having to suffer through a full 30 DAYS of house arrest in his palatial estate in Beverly Hills.

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