SKETCHY CHARACTERS DEPT.
SKETCHY CHARACTERS DEPT.
No surprise, no surprise! Evidence has emerged that Alex Rodriguez took performance enhancing drugs the last three years. Wow, just imagine how crappy he would have played if he hadn’t been taking them! When he first admitted he was a steroid cheat back in 2009, we were proud to promote his new collectible piss cup. Look for A-Rod on Oprah soon!
Yesterday, Lance Armstrong finally came clean and admitted to being a lying, cheating, drug-using weasel. After years of steadfast denials, what prompted this sudden act of truthfulness? Some say it was the overwhelming evidence compiled against him. We say the tipping point for Lance clearly came after he appeared in the piece below as one of 2012's "20 Dumbest People, Events and Things" in MAD #519 — on sale now!
Yesterday, Baseball Hall of Fame voters shut out two of the Steroid Era’s most prominent cheaters: Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. In the spirit of kicking an acne-scarred, big-headed homunculus when he’s down, we commemorate their very public shaming with two classic MAD pieces.
Yesterday, Lance Armstrong decided to stop contesting the charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his career. He still denies that he ever doped, but it still means that he’ll be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles, his Olympic bronze medal and any other titles from 1998 onward (thankfully, he can keep his Latin Grammy). He’ll also have to return all prize money, and will be barred for life from performing or even coaching. That’s all gotta hurt…and it’s not even the worst of it!
Legendary baseball fraud Roger Clemens beat the steroid-perjury rap yesterday when a jury declared him innocent of lying to Congress — thereby boosting his chances of getting into to the Hall of Fame from “zero” to “hopelessly remote.” On the off chance that he does make it, here’s the plaque that awaits him in Cooperstown.
Two high profile trials are currently underway. One involves former Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens and his alleged lies to Congress about using steroids. The other involves former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards and his use of campaign funds to hide an affair and love child. Two men. Two very different professions. And yet one can’t help but notice…
Steroid King Barry Bonds has added yet another milestone to the several Major League Baseball records he acquired from swelling his muscles through doping. (His head, we think, has always been that big.) This time, it’s escaping actual years in the slammer from his Obstruction of Justice conviction, and instead having to suffer through a full 30 DAYS of house arrest in his palatial estate in Beverly Hills. (Hope he has cable!) Maybe they just didn’t have an orange jumpsuit in his abnormally large, juiced size.
From MAD #473, January 2007
• Call up Casey Anthony, see if she has any tips
• De-Friend Andy Pettitte
• Stockpile clean urine (just in case)
• Check nads, see if they still look like two Craisins
• Fling a bat at Mike Piazza, just for old times' sake
• Tell wife he’s going to the store, then go see Larry Crowne instead (because he’s a huge effin' liar!)
• Take comfort in the fact that, when he goes to prison, he already knows he looks good in a striped uniformArtist: Sam Sisco