Well, it’s that time again! Exaggerated athletic pride, feigned international cooperation and millions of people asking what the hell “dressage” is. For a couple weeks every four years we get the chance to scoff at a physically perfect Norwegian gymnast performing a slightly off-center landing, even while we’re barely able to trudge our flabby butt over to the nearest Taco Bell.
Although the final decision won’t be made until 2013-2014, it’s looking like the NBA is going to start putting corporate logos on team jerseys. Who knows — with this new revenue stream, maybe the league can finally pay LeBron a proper salary (The man has a family to feed, dammit)! On the downside, though, once you start messing with sponsors, things can easily get out of hand.
With Jeremy Lin now leaving the Big Apple for Houston, fans of the New York Knicks, who haven’t won an NBA title since the end of the Vietnam War, are filled with meLINncholy. But many others aren’t taking the news so hard.
The Penn State Child abuse scandal was back in the news this morning thanks to the release of the Freeh Report. The report investigated the sexual abuse charges at Penn State and — you’re not gonna believe this — confirmed what everyone’s been saying for months now: that Joe Paterno and other Penn State officials repeatedly covered up Jerry Sandusky’s sexual abuse of children.
Ever since he started playing, LeBron James has been compared to Michael Jordan. But there was one big difference between the two players: Jordan had actually won a freakin’ championship! But after the Miami Heat’s victory last night, LeBron’s hands are ring-free no more! It turns out, however, that that is just the tip of the iceberg! When comparing these two players, the parallels and divergences are as nuanced and intriguing as the plotline to one of MJ’s Hanes commercials.
Legendary baseball fraud Roger Clemens beat the steroid-perjury rap yesterday when a jury declared him innocent of lying to Congress — thereby boosting his chances of getting into to the Hall of Fame from “zero” to “hopelessly remote.” On the off chance that he does make it, here’s the plaque that awaits him in Cooperstown.
The US Anti-Doping Agency has once again leveled doping charges against that dope Lance Armstrong, accusing him of altering his blood samples to cover up use of performance-enhancing substances, including EPO and testosterone. If found guilty, he can be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles and be barred from future competition.
This past weekend, "I'll Have Another" was scratched from the Belmont Stakes mere hours before race time, ending his run for the Triple Crown and disappointing thousands of degenerate gamblers. With "I'll Have Another" retiring to battle tendonitis and the irony of his name, the odds aren't good that anyone cares about the "Single Crown"-winning "Union Rags" or any of the losing horses, for that matter.