New Ref Signals For Fired Rutgers Coach Mike Rice

OF RICE AND MEN DEPT.

Earlier today, Rutgers University fired Mike Rice, its rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach, shortly after a video aired on ESPN showing him to be a rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach. Coach Rice used gay slurs, shoved his players and heaved basketballs at them during practice. The NCAA responded with surprising swiftness, already adding new signals for referees to call any future similar infractions.

Why the Miami Heat Won’t Set the NBA Record for Most Consecutive Wins

WINNER IS COMING DEPT.

The Miami Heat have won 26 games in a row! (Not to be confused with the Charlotte Bobcats — who had 26 people in the stands at their last game.) Right now, the Heat are on pace to beat the Lakers’ 33-game winning streak to have the longest winning streak in NBA history! And even though we’d love to root for a scrappy underdog like LeBron, we have a terrible feeling that it’s not going to happen.

Classic MAD: The Alex Rodriguez Piss Cup Collectible

CLASSIC MAD DEPT.

No surprise, no surprise! Evidence has emerged that Alex Rodriguez took performance enhancing drugs the last three years. Wow, just imagine how crappy he would have played if he hadn’t been taking them! When he first admitted he was a steroid cheat back in 2009, we were proud to promote his new collectible piss cup. Look for A-Rod on Oprah soon!

Manti Te’o’s Lying Circus

WIN ONE FOR THE FIBBER DEPT.

Long-distance relationships are hard — especially when the person you’re dating doesn’t even exist! Through an increasingly-bonkers and decreasingly-credible series of events, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o announced that his “girlfriend” Lennay Kekua was not a real person and that he had been scammed. But as the facts continue to emerge, it’s unclear how much Te’o actually knew — and whether he was actually involved in the scamming.

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