OF RICE AND MEN DEPT.
Earlier today, Rutgers University fired Mike Rice, its rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach, shortly after a video aired on ESPN showing him to be a rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach. Coach Rice used gay slurs, shoved his players and heaved basketballs at them during practice. The NCAA responded with surprising swiftness, already adding new signals for referees to call any future similar infractions.
WINNER IS COMING DEPT.
The Miami Heat have won 26 games in a row! (Not to be confused with the Charlotte Bobcats — who had 26 people in the stands at their last game.) Right now, the Heat are on pace to beat the Lakers’ 33-game winning streak to have the longest winning streak in NBA history! And even though we’d love to root for a scrappy underdog like LeBron, we have a terrible feeling that it’s not going to happen.
CLASSIC MAD DEPT.
Incredibly, this Fold-In, created by Al Jaffee in 1997, accurately predicts the ultimate winner in this year’s NCAA Tournament!
BLASTER OF CEREMONIES DEPT.
GOOD SWILL AMBASSADOR DEPT.
On Sunday, Michael Jordan is turning 50! What do you get the aging man who has everything? Some fine arch support and sumptuously-cushioned insoles, that’s what!
With Super Bowl XLVII fast approaching, we thought we’d take this opportunity to revisit some of the most memorable plays and achievements in the history of the big game. These three alone are more stimulating than a syringe-ful of deer-antler extract!
No surprise, no surprise! Evidence has emerged that Alex Rodriguez took performance enhancing drugs the last three years. Wow, just imagine how crappy he would have played if he hadn’t been taking them! When he first admitted he was a steroid cheat back in 2009, we were proud to promote his new collectible piss cup. Look for A-Rod on Oprah soon!
Long-distance relationships are hard — especially when the person you’re dating doesn’t even exist! Through an increasingly-bonkers and decreasingly-credible series of events, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o announced that his “girlfriend” Lennay Kekua was not a real person and that he had been scammed. But as the facts continue to emerge, it’s unclear how much Te’o actually knew — and whether he was actually involved in the scamming.