PUTIN ON THE RITZ DEPT.
BRONX BUMMER DEPT.
SKETCHY CHARACTERS DEPT.
JUICETICE IS BLIND DEPT.
O.J. Simpson is currently arguing before a judge that he should be freed from jail because his lawyer botched his 2008 trial for armed robbery and kidnapping. (Poor guy — he can’t get away with anything!) His new lawyers will present 19 reasons why the Juice should be let loose — and we managed to get our hands on a few!
MISTAKING JAMES DEPT.
Washington Wizards reserve center Jason Collins made history this week when he announced that he was gay — becoming the first active, openly-gay NBA player. We completely support Collins’ brave choice to go public — but, c’mon, he’s a fifth-stringer for the Washington Wizards. It’s a cover story for Sports Illustrated, for crying out loud! If they really wanted to move some issues, they should have gone for some bigger star power.
OF RICE AND MEN DEPT.
Earlier today, Rutgers University fired Mike Rice, its rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach, shortly after a video aired on ESPN showing him to be a rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach. Coach Rice used gay slurs, shoved his players and heaved basketballs at them during practice. The NCAA responded with surprising swiftness, already adding new signals for referees to call any future similar infractions.
WINNER IS COMING DEPT.
The Miami Heat have won 26 games in a row! (Not to be confused with the Charlotte Bobcats — who had 26 people in the stands at their last game.) Right now, the Heat are on pace to beat the Lakers’ 33-game winning streak to have the longest winning streak in NBA history! And even though we’d love to root for a scrappy underdog like LeBron, we have a terrible feeling that it’s not going to happen.
CLASSIC MAD DEPT.
Incredibly, this Fold-In, created by Al Jaffee in 1997, accurately predicts the ultimate winner in this year’s NCAA Tournament!
BLASTER OF CEREMONIES DEPT.