Lines from Diana Nyad’s Victory Speech

WATER BORED DEPT.

After failing four times in the past, 64-year-old Diana Nyad successfully swam from Cuba to Florida over the weekend. She made the 110-mile journey in just under 53 hours (slightly faster than Amtrak!), and was also the first person to do so without using a shark cage. Clearly, it’s cause for celebration! And for a speech from a water-logged, exhausted senior citizen!

Alex Rodriguez’s Hall of Fame Plaque

BIOGENESIS EXODUS DEPT.

It was announced today that Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through the end of the 2014 baseball season due to his use of performance-enhancing drugs (and his reported cover-up of that P.E.D. use — which apparently didn’t go so well). While an appeal is inevitable, his cheating-filled legacy appears set — and if he somehow makes it to Cooperstown, we have a pretty good idea what his plaque will look like.

O.J. Simpson Tweets About the Aaron Hernandez Case

TIGHT END OF THE LINE DEPT.

Things keep getting worse for former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez, who is under investigation for a 2012 double murder in Boston at the same time a case proceeds against him for the murder of a “friend.” Virtually nobody is proclaiming Hernandez’s innocence, and he seems destined for a life of dirty bunkbeds and sharpened toothbrush handles. Is there anyone out there who can sympathize with this guy? Funny you should ask…

Arguments O.J. Simpson’s Lawyers are Making for His Release

JUICETICE IS BLIND DEPT.

O.J. Simpson is currently arguing before a judge that he should be freed from jail because his lawyer botched his 2008 trial for armed robbery and kidnapping. (Poor guy — he can’t get away with anything!) His new lawyers will present 19 reasons why the Juice should be let loose — and we managed to get our hands on a few!

The Gay Athlete: LeBron James

MISTAKING JAMES DEPT.

Washington Wizards reserve center Jason Collins made history this week when he announced that he was gay — becoming the first active, openly-gay NBA player. We completely support Collins’ brave choice to go public — but, c’mon, he’s a fifth-stringer for the Washington Wizards. It’s a cover story for Sports Illustrated, for crying out loud! If they really wanted to move some issues, they should have gone for some bigger star power.

New Ref Signals For Fired Rutgers Coach Mike Rice

OF RICE AND MEN DEPT.

Earlier today, Rutgers University fired Mike Rice, its rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach, shortly after a video aired on ESPN showing him to be a rage-aholic, homophobic and bullying basketball coach. Coach Rice used gay slurs, shoved his players and heaved basketballs at them during practice. The NCAA responded with surprising swiftness, already adding new signals for referees to call any future similar infractions.

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