Lines from Diana Nyad’s Victory Speech

WATER BORED DEPT.

After failing four times in the past, 64-year-old Diana Nyad successfully swam from Cuba to Florida over the weekend. She made the 110-mile journey in just under 53 hours (slightly faster than Amtrak!), and was also the first person to do so without using a shark cage. Clearly, it’s cause for celebration! And for a speech from a water-logged, exhausted senior citizen!

Alex Rodriguez’s Hall of Fame Plaque

BIOGENESIS EXODUS DEPT.

It was announced today that Alex Rodriguez will be suspended through the end of the 2014 baseball season due to his use of performance-enhancing drugs (and his reported cover-up of that P.E.D. use — which apparently didn’t go so well). While an appeal is inevitable, his cheating-filled legacy appears set — and if he somehow makes it to Cooperstown, we have a pretty good idea what his plaque will look like.

O.J. Simpson Tweets About the Aaron Hernandez Case

TIGHT END OF THE LINE DEPT.

Things keep getting worse for former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez, who is under investigation for a 2012 double murder in Boston at the same time a case proceeds against him for the murder of a “friend.” Virtually nobody is proclaiming Hernandez’s innocence, and he seems destined for a life of dirty bunkbeds and sharpened toothbrush handles. Is there anyone out there who can sympathize with this guy? Funny you should ask…

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