Norman Rockwell’s Freedom from Fear Updated

At one of the darkest times in our country’s history, Pearl Harbor and World War II, Norman Rockwell, inspired by a speech by President Franklin D. Roosevelt, painted his “Four Freedoms” series. Each of the paintings depicts  a fundamental freedom that people everywhere in the world ought to enjoy — freedom of Speech and Worship, and freedom from Want and Fear. Tragically, three days ago in Newtown, Connecticut, one of these freedoms again came under assault.

Pepsi’s Rejected Beyoncé-Style Cans

DRINK AND DRIVEL DEPT.

It was announced this week that Pepsi and Beyoncé have become “global partners.” What that means (other than sounding like a “Risk” alliance) is that Beyoncé is getting $50 million to do a bunch of Pepsi stuff — including having her face on Pepsi cans. We figured there must have been other candidates for the job — and luckily, we discovered some of the other celebs Pepsi considered for the can-treatment before they settled on Beyoncé!

The Thanksgiving Day Parade KAWS Balloon — His Face Revealed!

KAWS & DEFECT DEPT.

This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will debut a brand new balloon based on the character “Companion” by the former graffiti artist KAWS. Sure, it’s exciting — but he's covering up his face! Who knows what’s behind those be-gloved hands?!? We do! And now, so do you.

“Papa John” Schnatter: Stingiest Man Alive!

A REAL PIZZA SH*T DEPT.

If you thought that the worst thing about Papa John’s Pizza was the pizza, prepare to be stunned! Turns out that the policies of “Papa John” himself, John Schnatter, will leave an even worse taste in your mouth! The chain’s founder and CEO said that Obamacare would cost him too much money and that he’d have to cut the hours of employees eligible for healthcare. It looks like Schnatter just wants a bigger piece of the pie…

Interesting Facts About Felix Baumgartner’s Space Jump

THERE’S NOTHING TO FEAR BUT STRATOSPHERE ITSELF DEPT.

On Sunday, Felix Baumgartner broke both the sound barrier AND the record for the highest freefall. What would make a man hurl himself from a balloon-lifted capsule, dozens of miles above earth? Science! Baumgartner’s drop will help professionals develop new parachute systems, provide info to aid in emergency spacecraft evacuation, and — most importantly — offer valuable data about high-velocity impacts on dirt fields by Austrian feet. But that’s just the beginning of what we can learn from this momentous man-hurling!

Red Bull’s Adrenaline-Pumping New Flavors

PUSHED TO THE DRINK OF INSANITY DEPT.

Red Bull recently announced that in addition to their original flavor, they’d soon be introducing cranberry, lime and blueberry versions. This is good news for anyone who’s barfed up a Red Bull and thought, “I’d sure love to taste some variety in my vomit!” With that spirit of diversity in mind, we’re proud to offer a sneak peak at even MORE Red Bull flavors coming out soon!

Signs You're Too Fat to Receive the Death Penalty

THE LAMB SHANK REDEMPTION DEPT.

This week, death row inmate Ronald Post made news when he claimed that at 480 pounds, he was too fat to be executed without it being a “torturous and lingering death.” Now don’t get us wrong — the last thing we’d ever want is for a convicted killer to suffer in any way. But it does raise some interesting points. How fat is too fat? Is our nation’s prison system in need of reform?

Other Royal Family Members in the Buff

NO NUDES IS GOOD NEWS DEPT.

Turns out that what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas — as Prince Harry learned after pictures were leaked of him playing naked billiards in his Sin City hotel room over the weekend. Whoops! It’s still unclear what Harry was doing, or exactly who shared the pics — but if you know the Royal Family, then you know that this type of thing really isn’t that unusual.

Todd Akin’s Stupid Rape Comment

RAPE-NUTS DEPT.

When asked recently if victims of rape should be allowed to have an abortion, idiot Congressman Todd Akin (R-Missouri) said that such pregnancies are "really rare.” “If it’s a legitimate rape,” he added, “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” The predictable political backlash followed and soon Democrats AND Republicans were re-evaluating his creepy campaign — saying it was time to shut that whole thi

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