iRS DEPT.
Apple is known for being amazing innovators in the field of electronics — but apparently they’re also ingeniously inventive when it comes to avoiding paying taxes! It was recently revealed that the company established an elaborate system of shell companies in various countries that let them avoid paying TENS OF BILLIONS of dollars in taxes! Stiffing Uncle Sam? There’s an app for that!
JUICETICE IS BLIND DEPT.
O.J. Simpson is currently arguing before a judge that he should be freed from jail because his lawyer botched his 2008 trial for armed robbery and kidnapping. (Poor guy — he can’t get away with anything!) His new lawyers will present 19 reasons why the Juice should be let loose — and we managed to get our hands on a few!
MAIL ENHANCEMENT DEPT.
Good news, pervy shut-ins! Now you can order Viagra online and have it delivered right to your home! You’ll never have to put on pants again! So, to sum up, a great day for weirdoes — and a terrible day for their mail carriers!
THE EX-FACTOR DEPT.
Sad news today (well, sad for one person — for the rest of us, it’s actually pretty positive) — Khloe Kardashian Odom will not be returning next season to co-host X-Factor. There was no reason given, but it’s either because she wanted to spend more time with her family, or because she’s a talentless, unappealing cipher who was so terrible at her simple job that she made Mario Lopez look like a bottomless well of genius magnetism. Oh well — TV didn’t work out, but there’s always the big screen!
A FLU GOOD MEN DEPT.
Time magazine recently revealed their "100 Most Influential People." And that’s exciting — but what we’re really psyched about is next week’s issue — just in time for the end of cold and flu season!
DON’T MESS WITH TAXES DEPT.
Today is tax day! And you know what that means: um...it’s the day you pay your taxes! (Sorry, the name is kind of a giveaway...) Anyway — even though it’s a terrible, boring and wallet-draining time, there’s one sure-fire way to make it more enjoyable...see what the stars are doing! So, to help ease the pain, we thought we’d take a look at what some celebrity taxpayers are writing off as deductions this year!
THE MOST HAPPY BELLA DEPT.
Kristen Stewart turns 23 today! We’re sure that she’s going to get cards from everyone! (Well, probably not from the wife of the guy she cheated with…but you know what we mean.) Still, in the spirit of this oh-so-special day, we’re delighted to offer:
SYMBOL MINDED DEPT.
ANY WHICH WAY BUT LUCIFER DEPT.
They always say that to keep things pleasant, you should avoid discussing politics and religion. Apparently no one told that to The History Channel’s show The Bible – which managed to combine both! Many eagle-eyed (by which we mean “non-blind”) viewers felt that a certain Prince of Darkness on the show looked an awful lot like a certain commander in chief! Although the show’s producers say the similarity was not deliberate, you can judge for yourself after you study these…
For the second time in a month, a Carnival Cruise ship — this one called “The Dream” and henceforth known as “The Nightmare” — is suffering power outages and pesky plumbing problems. Note: by “pesky plumbing problems,” we mean what passengers call “large amount of human waste all over the floor in bathrooms and staterooms.” On the positive side, we hear the view from the stench-ridden cabins is lovely this time of year.
