The Elmo Puppeteer Sex Scandal, Set to Music

ELMO MONEY, ELMO PROBLEMS DEPT.

Hey, kids, let’s do this by the numbers: 1) Sheldon Stephens, a 23-year-old man declares that when he was 16, he had sex with Kevin Clash, the voice and Muppeteer of Sesame Street's Elmo. 2) Stephens later recants his story and says they had sex when he was over 18. 3) We find out he recanted his story only after he received $125,000 from Clash. 4) Stephens then recanted his recant and says his original claim is true! Phew, that’s a lot of numbers!

Things to Do While Waiting in Line for Gas

PLAY THE FUEL DEPT.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, many gas stations are still closed, and the ones that are open have huge lines, with cars backed up for hours just to get a few gallons of gas! (And you can just forget about using that complimentary squeegee anytime soon!) But as you’re sitting there, patiently waiting your turn, the least we can do is offer some suggestions for how you can pass the time.

MAD's Storm Preparation Tips

THE BOOK OF STORMIN' DEPT.

Hurricane Sandy is shaping up to be the biggest storm ever to hit the U.S. and people are bracing for the worst. Whether putting down sandbags, stocking up on water and batteries, or just catching up on that backlog of Honey Boo Boo episodes before the power goes out — everyone's taking measures. But you can always do more! And in that spirit, we're proud to offer...

59% of Americans Think Marijuana Should Be Legalized…What’s the Other 41% Thinking?

LEAVING NO STONER UNTURNED DEPT.

According to a new poll released by The Huffington Post, 59% of Americans favor the legalization of marijuana — a percentage that reveals our country’s true red-eyed, Bugles-munching, Disco-Biscuitty soul. But why were the poll’s naysayers saying nay? Funny you should ask…

New Images From Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape

LADY AND THE CHAMP DEPT.

Recently a sex tape surfaced of the Hulkster pinning a very enthusiastic female Hulkamaniac. Sadly, only snippets of the tape have been made available so far — which is where MAD proudly steps in with some additional, unseen scenes! Just be thankful that Roddy Piper didn’t cream him with a folding chair halfway through!

Justin Bieber’s Nauseating New “Got Milk?” Ad

DAIRY OF A WIMPY KID DEPT.

During his performance on Saturday, Justin Bieber puked out his Canadian guts all over the stage. Suffice to say, the copious barf was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth during a concert. Bieber claimed that his ralphing was caused by drinking too much milk (just how wholesome is this weiner?!?) — but it got us wondering if there was a way for Biebs to turn this unfortunate event into a career boost!

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