MAD Exclusive: Map of the Biggest Gum Owners in Your Neighborhood

FUNNY, YOU DON’T LOOK CHEWISH DEPT.

Taking a cue from Westchester County’s Journal News, which recently published the names and addresses of gun permit-holders in Westchester and Rockland Counties, MAD boldly uses this same exposé technique to focus attention on another problem afflicting Americans of all ages: tooth decay among gum owners. How bad is the situation in your neighborhood?

MAD Re-captions NRA Exec. Vice President Wayne LaPierre’s News Conference

IN DEEP SHOOT DEPT.

Abraham Lincoln once said “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” And after a week of silence regarding the tragic shootings in Newtown, CT, the NRA learned that lesson the hard way. This afternoon, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference where he suggested that having armed guards in all schools would prevent something like Newtown from happening again.

The Elmo Puppeteer Sex Scandal, Set to Music

ELMO MONEY, ELMO PROBLEMS DEPT.

Hey, kids, let’s do this by the numbers: 1) Sheldon Stephens, a 23-year-old man declares that when he was 16, he had sex with Kevin Clash, the voice and Muppeteer of Sesame Street's Elmo. 2) Stephens later recants his story and says they had sex when he was over 18. 3) We find out he recanted his story only after he received $125,000 from Clash. 4) Stephens then recanted his recant and says his original claim is true! Phew, that’s a lot of numbers!

Things to Do While Waiting in Line for Gas

PLAY THE FUEL DEPT.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, many gas stations are still closed, and the ones that are open have huge lines, with cars backed up for hours just to get a few gallons of gas! (And you can just forget about using that complimentary squeegee anytime soon!) But as you’re sitting there, patiently waiting your turn, the least we can do is offer some suggestions for how you can pass the time.

MAD's Storm Preparation Tips

THE BOOK OF STORMIN' DEPT.

Hurricane Sandy is shaping up to be the biggest storm ever to hit the U.S. and people are bracing for the worst. Whether putting down sandbags, stocking up on water and batteries, or just catching up on that backlog of Honey Boo Boo episodes before the power goes out — everyone's taking measures. But you can always do more! And in that spirit, we're proud to offer...

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