The New Al-Qaeda Underwear Bomb: What We Know

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED — FLY, FLY AGAIN DEPT.

The CIA recently thwarted Al Qaeda’s plot to bring a bomb aboard a U.S.-bound airplane. Details are still emerging, but it’s been revealed that the device was a new kind of underwear bomb. (And we still hadn’t tried the old kind yet! This is just like the iPhone releases!) The whole story raises more questions than answers, however…

Why Did "The Scream" Sell for $119.9 Million?

THE LAST AUCTION HERO DEPT.

As we mentioned earlier, a version of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” sold for $119.9 million — that’s the most ever paid for a work of art at auction! To give you an idea of just how much $119.9 million is: if you had 119 million $1 bills and stacked them one on top of the other…it would be a better use of time and money than whatever Michael Bay would do with the same amount of cash! Still — what makes this particular smear of pastel so special?

Ways to Get the Most Out of "Take Your Child to Work Day"

SPARE THE JOB, SPOIL THE CHILD DEPT.

Today is one of America’s most beloved pseudo-holidays, right up there with Root Vegetable Awareness Week: “Take Your Child to Work Day.” In bringing your son or daughter to work today, you’re teaching them the importance of commitment, dedication, and putzing around on eBay. And as long as you’ve got the little monster in the office with you, you might as well make the best of it — and we’re here to help.

Insanely Exhaustive Reasons Why Charles Manson Was Denied Parole

YOU'VE GOT JAIL DEPT.

On Wednesday, Charles Manson was denied parole for the 12th, and probably final, time. Ever since being locked up 40 years ago for engineering a series of grisly murders, ol’ Chuckles just can’t catch a break! We’re sure that the parole board must have had their reasons for keeping the wild-eyed kook from sweet, sweet freedom — in fact, here they are!

Other Misconceptions Reinforced in the Mary J. Blige Burger King Commercial

WRAP MUSIC DEPT.

A controversy has erupted over the new Burger King ad featuring Mary J. Blige. Critics say it plays to the stereotype that African Americans like chicken. After careful review of the ad, we’ve discovered that the chicken stereotype is the least of the commercial’s problems.

Mega Millions Jackpot Odds

LOTTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE DEPT.

Tonight, millions of Americans will gather around their TVs for the Mega Millions Jackpot lottery drawing. The first prize is more than a whopping half-billion dollars!!! OK, it’s nice to dream, but the chances of you actually winning that prize are pretty long — something along the lines of 176 million to one. But as insurmountable as those odds may seem, other things  — but not all — have even longer odds.

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