Arizona’s New Official “Papers, Please” Document

BORDER FOLLY DEPT.

Today, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down much of the harsh immigration law signed by crackpot Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, but left in the controversial “Papers, please” provision allowing police to request documents verifying a civilian’s immigration status. Since we’ll be vacationing anywhere BUT Arizona this year, it won’t affect us, but we realize the rule could impact many who do travel there.

New Green Initiatives of the Ku Klux Klan

BOYS IN THE HOODS DEPT.

The Ku Klux Klan recently approached the state of Georgia about joining their “Adopt a Highway” program, claiming that their goal is to keep the mountains beautiful. While we appreciate the KKK going green, that’s probably not the first color they need to reconcile with. If the Klan succeeds, the people of Georgia can look forward to seeing their roads filled with less garbage...but much more white trash.

Other Ways the Nobel Committee Could Save Money

MEDALING IN THEIR AFFAIRS DEPT.

The Nobel Foundation, responsible for the distribution of the Nobel Prize, just announced that they’re cutting the amount of their prize from $1.4 million to a piddling $1.1 million! Although some have pondered getting rid of the ceremony altogether, what would be the point of acts of selflessness and charity if you weren’t rewarded with worldwide recognition and a large cash prize? Still, if the Nobel foundation REALLY wants to turn things around, it’s time to make these…

Why are Kanye West’s Nike Air Yeezys So Expensive?

SHOE GOOD TO BE TRUE DEPT.

On Saturday, the Air Yeezy 2 will go on sale with a bonkers price tag of $245. But prices on eBay for the Nike/Kanye West collaboration have skyrocketed, with a pair reportedly pre-selling for over 350% of their retail value! That’s almost as inflated as Kanye’s ego! The amount of money people are willing to shell out for the sneakers points either to an economy that is finally getting stronger, or (more likely) that people are just getting dumber.

Expenses for Miley Cyrus' Wedding Day

FOOLS OF ENGAGEMENT DEPT.

Recently, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth made their engagement public — probably after Hemsworth decided he’d be a doofus if he didn’t get in on those sweet, sweet Disney dollars. Hemsworth bought a 3.5 karat diamond to replace that abstinence “purity ring” she conveniently stopped wearing. The couple has found that planning a wedding is difficult no matter how rich and famous you are (for now). Lucky for us, we’ve obtained a list of the expenses that even the Beverly Hillbillies would hoot and holler over. 

Things You Could Have Done with $38 Instead of Buying a Share of Facebook Stock

AN UNFAIR SHARE DEPT.

As shares of Facebook stock continue to fall, many investors are now wringing their hands, ruing the day they paid a whopping $38 per share for Facebook’s Initial Public Offering. With billions lost and the stock now down over 20%, all that investors can do is weep uncontrollably and think about all the great things they could have spent that money on. 

Other Explosive Vatican Secrets Revealed by the Pope's Butler

POWER TO THE PAPAL DEPT.

Recently, The Pope’s butler was arrested on charges that he’d stolen secret documents! This is huge news! The Pope has a freakin’ butler! (That must be a VERY fancy gent!) You might be wondering — are the secrets he leaked actually that embarrassing? Is the Pope Catholic?!?! 

Other Product Placement in the New James Bond Movie

LICENSE TO SHILL DEPT.

It was recently announced that in the next James Bond movie, Skyfall, the legendary spy will not be drinking his trademark martinis — instead he’ll be sipping Heinekens. We think it’s shameful when a classic institution whores itself out (unrelated, but be sure to watch MAD on Cartoon Network!) — and we realize it’s only the beginning in a slew of dreadful product placement in the Bond films.  

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