No surprise, no surprise! Evidence has emerged that Alex Rodriguez took performance enhancing drugs the last three years. Wow, just imagine how crappy he would have played if he hadn’t been taking them! When he first admitted he was a steroid cheat back in 2009, we were proud to promote his new collectible piss cup. Look for A-Rod on Oprah soon!
A jersey worn by Babe Ruth recently sold at auction for a whopping $4.4 million (nearly as much as the Sultan of Swat spent in his storied career on hot dogs). Lost in all the excitement were the results of another baseball auction involving Albert Pujols — a modern-day superstar who, after signing a mind-melting quarter-billion-dollar contract with the Los Angeles Angels of California of America, is having a historically terrible season.
Two high profile trials are currently underway. One involves former Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens and his alleged lies to Congress about using steroids. The other involves former Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards and his use of campaign funds to hide an affair and love child. Two men. Two very different professions. And yet one can’t help but notice…
The Mets have struck a deal to pay $162 million to settle claims that they knew disgraced financier Bernie Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. How the beleaguered team owner, Fred Wilpon, will come up with the money is now the big question. Here’s MAD with the big answers…
Steroid King Barry Bonds has added yet another milestone to the several Major League Baseball records he acquired from swelling his muscles through doping. (His head, we think, has always been that big.) This time, it’s escaping actual years in the slammer from his Obstruction of Justice conviction, and instead having to suffer through a full 30 DAYS of house arrest in his palatial estate in Beverly Hills. (Hope he has cable!) Maybe they just didn’t have an orange jumpsuit in his abnormally large, juiced size.
From MAD #473, January 2007
The Boston Red Sox and the Atlanta Braves will go down in baseball history as the two biggest team collapses in September ever. With the Triple Crown of terrible pitching, poor hitting and spectacularly shoddy fielding, the teams brilliantly sealed their elimination from postseason play.
• Call up Casey Anthony, see if she has any tips
• De-Friend Andy Pettitte
• Stockpile clean urine (just in case)
• Check nads, see if they still look like two Craisins
• Fling a bat at Mike Piazza, just for old times' sake
• Tell wife he’s going to the store, then go see Larry Crowne instead (because he’s a huge effin' liar!)
• Take comfort in the fact that, when he goes to prison, he already knows he looks good in a striped uniformArtist: Sam Sisco