Ozzie Guillen's Despot Dream Team

HALL OF SHAME DEPT.

Miami Marlins coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games after stating that he “loved” and “respected” longtime Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Last time we checked, the constitution protected free speech — even free stupid speech.

Surprising Discoveries Made at the White House Easter Egg Roll

THE YOLK'S ON THEM DEPT.

Today the White House hosted its annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn. We weren’t invited (thanks to an incident last year involving lawn darts and David Axelrod — who’s recovering nicely, we’re happy to report) but many children were. And plenty of unlucky kids rolled their eggs off course into the treacherous fringes of the lawn — where they made some pretty startling discoveries.

Other Misconceptions Reinforced in the Mary J. Blige Burger King Commercial

WRAP MUSIC DEPT.

A controversy has erupted over the new Burger King ad featuring Mary J. Blige. Critics say it plays to the stereotype that African Americans like chicken. After careful review of the ad, we’ve discovered that the chicken stereotype is the least of the commercial’s problems.

New Scenes in "Titanic 3D"

WHEN THE SHIP HITS THE FAN DEPT.

A 3D version of Titanic is coming to theaters starting tomorrow! At first we weren’t sure they’d be able to make a 194-minute weep-fest from 1997 fresh and exciting for a 3D-loving audience. Thankfully, visionary genius (his words) James Cameron decided to add a bunch of new scenes that really make use of the exciting 3D technology! Brilliant! (also his words) 

Sarah Palin Hosting "The Today Show" is a "Lame Change"

MOURNING TV DEPT.

When ABC announced that Katie Couric would be filling in as co-anchor on Good Morning America, the producers of The Today Show knew they had to do something big to counter-program. And they did! Unfortunately, they did something big and stupid, bringing in unqualified V.P. candidate, half-term Alaska governor and intellectual feather-weight Sarah Palin to co-host. Is this bad, desperate TV? You betcha!

Mega Millions Jackpot Odds

LOTTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE DEPT.

Tonight, millions of Americans will gather around their TVs for the Mega Millions Jackpot lottery drawing. The first prize is more than a whopping half-billion dollars!!! OK, it’s nice to dream, but the chances of you actually winning that prize are pretty long — something along the lines of 176 million to one. But as insurmountable as those odds may seem, other things  — but not all — have even longer odds.

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