Lance Armstrong's Bloody Problem

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN, LANCE? DEPT.

The US Anti-Doping Agency has once again leveled doping charges against that dope Lance Armstrong, accusing him of altering his blood samples to cover up use of performance-enhancing substances, including EPO and testosterone. If found guilty, he can be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles and be barred from future competition.

Lies that George Zimmerman’s Wife Told Police

LIAR BEWARE DEPT.

George Zimmerman’s wife, Shellie, was charged with perjury on Tuesday after telling a judge that the couple had “limited money,” when they’d actually raised over $135,000 on George’s website, TrayvonKindOfScaredMe.com. If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine — and that’s not even taking into account these...

New Green Initiatives of the Ku Klux Klan

BOYS IN THE HOODS DEPT.

The Ku Klux Klan recently approached the state of Georgia about joining their “Adopt a Highway” program, claiming that their goal is to keep the mountains beautiful. While we appreciate the KKK going green, that’s probably not the first color they need to reconcile with. If the Klan succeeds, the people of Georgia can look forward to seeing their roads filled with less garbage...but much more white trash.

Other Ways the Nobel Committee Could Save Money

MEDALING IN THEIR AFFAIRS DEPT.

The Nobel Foundation, responsible for the distribution of the Nobel Prize, just announced that they’re cutting the amount of their prize from $1.4 million to a piddling $1.1 million! Although some have pondered getting rid of the ceremony altogether, what would be the point of acts of selflessness and charity if you weren’t rewarded with worldwide recognition and a large cash prize? Still, if the Nobel foundation REALLY wants to turn things around, it’s time to make these…

Excuses of the Losing Horses at Last Weekend's Belmont Stakes

THE BELMONT MISTAKES DEPT.

This past weekend, "I'll Have Another" was scratched from the Belmont Stakes mere hours before race time, ending his run for the Triple Crown and disappointing thousands of degenerate gamblers. With "I'll Have Another" retiring to battle tendonitis and the irony of his name, the odds aren't good that anyone cares about the "Single Crown"-winning "Union Rags" or any of the losing horses, for that matter.

Don Draper Lines That Were (Wisely) Cut From Season 5 of “Mad Men”

WEINER TAKES ALL DEPT.

Season five of Mad Men has finally come to its conclusion. The show truly brought us back to a simpler time when a man could get by on identity theft, womanizing, and alcoholism alone. But through it all, Don Draper retained his title as the coolest douchebag on television — although it could have gone in a different direction. We obtained some lines cut from the fifth season that, even if he turned up the charm to full blast, Mr. Draper himself couldn't have sold...

Why are Kanye West’s Nike Air Yeezys So Expensive?

SHOE GOOD TO BE TRUE DEPT.

On Saturday, the Air Yeezy 2 will go on sale with a bonkers price tag of $245. But prices on eBay for the Nike/Kanye West collaboration have skyrocketed, with a pair reportedly pre-selling for over 350% of their retail value! That’s almost as inflated as Kanye’s ego! The amount of money people are willing to shell out for the sneakers points either to an economy that is finally getting stronger, or (more likely) that people are just getting dumber.

Expenses for Miley Cyrus' Wedding Day

FOOLS OF ENGAGEMENT DEPT.

Recently, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth made their engagement public — probably after Hemsworth decided he’d be a doofus if he didn’t get in on those sweet, sweet Disney dollars. Hemsworth bought a 3.5 karat diamond to replace that abstinence “purity ring” she conveniently stopped wearing. The couple has found that planning a wedding is difficult no matter how rich and famous you are (for now). Lucky for us, we’ve obtained a list of the expenses that even the Beverly Hillbillies would hoot and holler over. 

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