Other Punishments for Lance Armstrong

CYCLE KILLER DEPT.

Yesterday, Lance Armstrong decided to stop contesting the charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his career. He still denies that he ever doped, but it still means that he’ll be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles, his Olympic bronze medal and any other titles from 1998 onward (thankfully, he can keep his Latin Grammy). He’ll also have to return all prize money, and will be barred for life from performing or even coaching. That’s all gotta hurt…and it’s not even the worst of it!

Other Royal Family Members in the Buff

NO NUDES IS GOOD NEWS DEPT.

Turns out that what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay in Vegas — as Prince Harry learned after pictures were leaked of him playing naked billiards in his Sin City hotel room over the weekend. Whoops! It’s still unclear what Harry was doing, or exactly who shared the pics — but if you know the Royal Family, then you know that this type of thing really isn’t that unusual.

Todd Akin’s Stupid Rape Comment

RAPE-NUTS DEPT.

When asked recently if victims of rape should be allowed to have an abortion, idiot Congressman Todd Akin (R-Missouri) said that such pregnancies are "really rare.” “If it’s a legitimate rape,” he added, “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” The predictable political backlash followed and soon Democrats AND Republicans were re-evaluating his creepy campaign — saying it was time to shut that whole thi

Jay Leno’s Monologue Following The Tonight Show’s Budget Cuts

CHINSANITY DEPT.

It was announced this week that The Tonight Show is making budget cuts — which means not only a pay cut for Jay Leno, but also the loss of 25 jobs on the show. As much as we could argue that the real victims of The Tonight Show are anyone who’s been forced to watch an episode, this is still sad news. And since Jay is a razor-sharp satirist, unafraid to address any topic (including how Trump has a comb-over!), we’ll probably be seeing these jokes on his very show!

Fun Facts About Miley Cyrus’ New Haircut

OUT OF THIN HAIR DEPT.

Did you hear the big news?!? No, not about Paul Ryan. Or the Mars expedition. Syria? What’s that? We’re talking about the fact that Miley Cyrus got a haircut!!! You read right — her hair used to look one way…but now it looks different! We know that’s more than enough information to completely fry your brains — but we dug deeper to find out even MORE about this, the biggest news event of the year! So brace yourself for these…

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