The Elmo Puppeteer Sex Scandal, Set to Music

ELMO MONEY, ELMO PROBLEMS DEPT.

Hey, kids, let’s do this by the numbers: 1) Sheldon Stephens, a 23-year-old man declares that when he was 16, he had sex with Kevin Clash, the voice and Muppeteer of Sesame Street's Elmo. 2) Stephens later recants his story and says they had sex when he was over 18. 3) We find out he recanted his story only after he received $125,000 from Clash. 4) Stephens then recanted his recant and says his original claim is true! Phew, that’s a lot of numbers!

MAD Asks…Who Said It? Mitt Romney or Mr. Burns? VOLUME 2!

MITT HAPPENS DEPT.

Back in March, we ran a post asking readers to decide which statements were made by Mitt Romney, and which were made by Mr. Burns. Turns out it was harder than you’d expect to differentiate between the quotes of an evil cartoon zillionaire and a Republican Presidential hopeful (and zillionaire). And even though Mitt wound up losing the election, fortunately, he’s still staying cartoonishly-stupid things.

“Papa John” Schnatter: Stingiest Man Alive!

A REAL PIZZA SH*T DEPT.

If you thought that the worst thing about Papa John’s Pizza was the pizza, prepare to be stunned! Turns out that the policies of “Papa John” himself, John Schnatter, will leave an even worse taste in your mouth! The chain’s founder and CEO said that Obamacare would cost him too much money and that he’d have to cut the hours of employees eligible for healthcare. It looks like Schnatter just wants a bigger piece of the pie…

Reasons Why The L.A. Lakers Didn’t Rehire Phil Jackson

COACH INFESTATION DEPT.

After starting the season 1-4, the L.A. Lakers dumped their coach, Mike Brown, and interviewed — who else? — Phil Jackson for the job. With more NBA championship rings than he has fingers, Jackson was the clear favorite. But things didn’t quite work out and no one is quite sure why — except us!

Things to Do While Waiting in Line for Gas

PLAY THE FUEL DEPT.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, many gas stations are still closed, and the ones that are open have huge lines, with cars backed up for hours just to get a few gallons of gas! (And you can just forget about using that complimentary squeegee anytime soon!) But as you’re sitting there, patiently waiting your turn, the least we can do is offer some suggestions for how you can pass the time.

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