Michelle Obama's Rejected Official Portraits

HAIR FORCE ONE DEPT.

Yesterday, the White House released Michelle Obama’s new official portrait. And while she looks great, and it features her celebrated bangs, we’ve recently learned that there were other shots taken that featured alternate hairstyles for the First Lady! Never one to shy away from exposing a political scandal (no matter how coiffe-based) MAD is proud to share these…

Jesse Jackson Jr.'s Been Bad

A FINE JESS DEPT.

Former Illinois Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. pled guilty to misusing $750,000 in campaign funds for personal expenses like Rolexes, fur capes and sports memorabilia (you know, the essentials). He won’t be sentenced until late June, but he could face up to 57 months in prison! On the plus side, that’ll give him a few months to stare at his autographed footballs while snuggled up in a sable fur poncho.

Dr. Drew’s Upsetting New Book

ADDICTION AND SUBTRACTION DEPT.

When Mindy McCready died over the weekend, she became the fifth patient from Celebrity Rehab to commit suicide. It also put the show’s host and creator, Dr. Drew, under scrutiny. Personally, we don’t trust any doctor who uses their first name as their last one (We’re looking at you, Dr. Phil!). And while we can’t say they should throw the book at Dr. Drew for his years of exploiting celebrity addiction, we thought we’d at least throw this book at him.

Marco Rubio’s “Watergate” Moment

WATER FOR GOP ELEPHANTS DEPT.

Last night, while delivering the GOP rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union Address, an obviously-parched Senator Marco Rubio reached for a bottle of water. Unfortunately, he wasn’t exactly as graceful as a ballerina. Actually, it was more akin to a 1,000-pound man lunging for the last shrimp at an all-you-can eat buffet. But was this brief human moment worth all the ridiculous hoopla that the media is giving it? Nah, it’s already water under the bridge.

The State of the Upton Address

UNDRESS THE NATION DEPT

Yesterday, Kate Upton was announced as the cover girl of Sport Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue! And tonight, President Obama delivers the State of the Union Address! Guess which of these things more Americans care about? C’mon Barry, it’s time to give the people what they want!

MAD’s New Cover Artist: George W. Bush

PAINT MISBEHAVIN’ DEPT.

When Bush family e-mails were hacked last week, among the leaked information were photos of paintings made by none other than former President George W. Bush. We were shocked to learn that W. has an artistic side, but not so shocked by the paintings’ amateurish mediocrity — the very quality we look for in all MAD illustrators!

The Grammys’ List of Banned Body Parts — What’s Real and What’s Not?

NO NUDES IS GOOD NUDES DEPT.

Yesterday, a memo from CBS Standards and Practices was leaked to the public. In it, the network advised performers on this Sunday’s Grammys that certain wardrobe choices would be...unacceptable. They then went into detail, using the most awkward and prudish terms possible, what body parts performers should not show.

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