THE GREAT BLIGHT WAY DEPT.
WHERE EAT MEATS JEST DEPT.
As anyone who has ever left a job will tell you, there are always lots of loose ends to be tied up before walking out the door. And, good Lord, it’s no different with Pope Benedict XVI, who will resign his papacy on Thursday.
Yesterday, the White House released Michelle Obama’s new official portrait. And while she looks great, and it features her celebrated bangs, we’ve recently learned that there were other shots taken that featured alternate hairstyles for the First Lady! Never one to shy away from exposing a political scandal (no matter how coiffe-based) MAD is proud to share these…
Former Illinois Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. pled guilty to misusing $750,000 in campaign funds for personal expenses like Rolexes, fur capes and sports memorabilia (you know, the essentials). He won’t be sentenced until late June, but he could face up to 57 months in prison! On the plus side, that’ll give him a few months to stare at his autographed footballs while snuggled up in a sable fur poncho.
When Mindy McCready died over the weekend, she became the fifth patient from Celebrity Rehab to commit suicide. It also put the show’s host and creator, Dr. Drew, under scrutiny. Personally, we don’t trust any doctor who uses their first name as their last one (We’re looking at you, Dr. Phil!). And while we can’t say they should throw the book at Dr. Drew for his years of exploiting celebrity addiction, we thought we’d at least throw this book at him.
On Sunday, Michael Jordan is turning 50! What do you get the aging man who has everything? Some fine arch support and sumptuously-cushioned insoles, that’s what!
Last night, while delivering the GOP rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union Address, an obviously-parched Senator Marco Rubio reached for a bottle of water. Unfortunately, he wasn’t exactly as graceful as a ballerina. Actually, it was more akin to a 1,000-pound man lunging for the last shrimp at an all-you-can eat buffet. But was this brief human moment worth all the ridiculous hoopla that the media is giving it? Nah, it’s already water under the bridge.
Yesterday, Kate Upton was announced as the cover girl of Sport Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue! And tonight, President Obama delivers the State of the Union Address! Guess which of these things more Americans care about? C’mon Barry, it’s time to give the people what they want!