Disturbing Similarities and Differences Between Lance Armstrong and Wayne LaPierre
THE UNITED SNAKES DEPT.
Two infamous names in the news, connected in ways that you might not realize.
Lance Armstrong Comes Clean: Cheatings from France
CLASSIC MAD DEPT.
Yesterday, Lance Armstrong finally came clean and admitted to being a lying, cheating, drug-using weasel. After years of steadfast denials, what prompted this sudden act of truthfulness? Some say it was the overwhelming evidence compiled against him. We say the tipping point for Lance clearly came after he appeared in the piece below as one of 2012's "20 Dumbest People, Events and Things" in MAD #519 — on sale now!
Other Punishments for Lance Armstrong
CYCLE KILLER DEPT.
Yesterday, Lance Armstrong decided to stop contesting the charges that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his career. He still denies that he ever doped, but it still means that he’ll be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles, his Olympic bronze medal and any other titles from 1998 onward (thankfully, he can keep his Latin Grammy). He’ll also have to return all prize money, and will be barred for life from performing or even coaching. That’s all gotta hurt…and it’s not even the worst of it!
Lance Armstrong's Bloody Problem
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN, LANCE? DEPT.
The US Anti-Doping Agency has once again leveled doping charges against that dope Lance Armstrong, accusing him of altering his blood samples to cover up use of performance-enhancing substances, including EPO and testosterone. If found guilty, he can be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles and be barred from future competition. But whether Armstrong is found guilty or not, late-night TV hosts and snarky websites will continue to sink their teeth into the disgraced cyclist. See?
