ALTAR SKELTER DEPT.
A SUPERMODEL PRISONER DEPT.
CRIME FLIES DEPT.
It’s been a big week for two of America’s favorite bad boys, Edward Snowden and OJ Simpson. Snowden was granted asylum in Russia, while OJ was granted parole (eventually). With both fellas getting good news, we started wondering if they had anything else in common…
THE TERROR OF THEIR WAYS DEPT.
TIGHT END OF THE LINE DEPT.
Things keep getting worse for former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez, who is under investigation for a 2012 double murder in Boston at the same time a case proceeds against him for the murder of a “friend.” Virtually nobody is proclaiming Hernandez’s innocence, and he seems destined for a life of dirty bunkbeds and sharpened toothbrush handles. Is there anyone out there who can sympathize with this guy? Funny you should ask…
JUICETICE IS BLIND DEPT.
O.J. Simpson is currently arguing before a judge that he should be freed from jail because his lawyer botched his 2008 trial for armed robbery and kidnapping. (Poor guy — he can’t get away with anything!) His new lawyers will present 19 reasons why the Juice should be let loose — and we managed to get our hands on a few!
JUST DESSERTS DEPT.
One of the most disturbing revelations from the recent Cleveland abduction case was that alleged kidnapper Ariel Castro “celebrated” his captors’ abductions with an annual “abduction cake” on the dates of their seizure. Now that he’s awaiting trial for his crimes, however, we all have a real reason to celebrate.
George Zimmerman’s wife, Shellie, was charged with perjury on Tuesday after telling a judge that the couple had “limited money,” when they’d actually raised over $135,000 on George’s website, TrayvonKindOfScaredMe.com. If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine — and that’s not even taking into account these...
On Wednesday, Charles Manson was denied parole for the 12th, and probably final, time. Ever since being locked up 40 years ago for engineering a series of grisly murders, ol’ Chuckles just can’t catch a break! We’re sure that the parole board must have had their reasons for keeping the wild-eyed kook from sweet, sweet freedom — in fact, here they are!