• Call up Casey Anthony, see if she has any tips

• De-Friend Andy Pettitte

• Stockpile clean urine (just in case)

• Check nads, see if they still look like two Craisins

• Fling a bat at Mike Piazza, just for old times' sake

• Tell wife he’s going to the store, then go see Larry Crowne instead (because he’s a huge effin' liar!)

• Take comfort in the fact that, when he goes to prison, he already knows he looks good in a striped uniform