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MAD EXCLUSIVE: The First Draft of Kristen Stewart’s Apology

THE TWILIGHTER SIDE OF DEPT.

Yesterday, Twilight star and professional pouter Kristen Stewart admitted to a fling with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders. Her on- and off-screen beau, Robert Pattinson, was crushed by this news, as was Stewart’s legion of pre-teen fans who finally got a glimpse at a harsh reality of love that vampire books can never fully illustrate.

Emerging Details From North Korea Leader Kim Jong Un’s Recent Wedding

UN-TRUE LOVE DEPT.

Today it was announced that recently-appointed North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has entered the bonds of holy matrimony. Not much is known about the wife, Ri Sol-Ju, besides the fact that she has a thing for round, frowning despots. Although North Korea is a notoriously secretive country, details of the wedding spectacular still seem to be leaking through. Maybe Kim’s drunk uncle Frank accidentally went on a rant to the press. Maybe the wedding cake had a delicious, wire-tap center.

NBA Jerseys We’ll Soon Be Seeing

NBA-HOLES DEPT.

Although the final decision won’t be made until 2013-2014, it’s looking like the NBA is going to start putting corporate logos on team jerseys. Who knows — with this new revenue stream, maybe the league can finally pay LeBron a proper salary (The man has a family to feed, dammit)! On the downside, though, once you start messing with sponsors, things can easily get out of hand.

Other Demands George Zimmerman Made to Appear on "The View"

GOON WITH THE VIEW DEPT.

George Zimmerman, the man accused of killing an unarmed Florida teenager, dropped plans for a second television interview on The View after ABC would not provide a month of “shelter and security” for his family, his attorney said Thursday. What the attorney did not say was that “shelter and security” were only two of the demands made by his client. In fact, Zimmerman had so many demands that insiders say Barbara Walters’ panties were really twisted in a knot. Eewww…

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