Jack-O-Lanterns have long been a Halloween tradition. So has having them smashed by a bunch of snot-nosed little punks! This year, create an even bigger mess and scare away all those pesky brats looking for free handouts with our Alfred-E-Lantern stencil!

Instructions:

1) Click the image below to get a bigger version of the stencil, then print. Since you’re bound to screw up the directions on your first and second attempts, print out at least three copies of the stencil.



2) To make the stencil easier to cut and use, you may want to glue it to a thin piece of cardboard, a thick card stock, or a first edition copy of We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates. Be creative — we won't tell!

3) Using an X-ACTO knife, razor or box cutter (which means you won't be able to carve your pumpkin at an airport), cut out the black portions of Alfred’s face. IMPORTANT: IF YOU'RE YOUNG, OR SIMPLY CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH POINTY OBJECTS, YOU SHOULD GET THE HELP OF AN ADULT. Plus, if you're Jack-O-Lantern ends up sucking, you now have someone else to blame.

4) Place the newly-cut stencil on the front of the pumpkin and tape it in place. If you have extra tape, why not put it on your face and comically distort your features? Go ahead, we'll wait!

5) Welcome back! Using a permanent marker or paint sponge, fill in or dab over the stencil until the cut-out areas are covered. You'll now have an image of Alfred on your pumpkin. If the image resembles Regis Philbin, you've messed up big time.

6) Now, you can either carve Alfred’s face out of the pumpkin or simply leave the stenciled face as is. Both are equally horrifying!

If you've done everything right, your pumpkin will look like one of the two up top, only a whole heckuva lot less Photoshoppy!

"Scooby Don't" is brought to you by the deep fried brain of Jason Yungbluth! From MAD #470, October 2006

After failing to follow through on her community service, Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to janitor duty in the L.A. County Morgue. Here's what she can expect to encounter, in this classic article from Don Martin and Don "Duck" Edwing.

From MAD #273, September 1987

Writer: Don "Duck" Edwing
Artist: Don Martin

UPDATE 11/29/11: THANKS TO ALL WHO SENT IN. WE CAN NO LONGER ACCEPT REQUESTS.

We've shown you lots of good stuff we found in our stock room cleanup, and now it's time for YOU to share in some of the bounty. The postcard you see below depicts MAD founder/publisher William M. Gaines, longtime editor Nick Meglin, and current (and also longtime!) editor John Ficarra "hard at work" in the old MAD office at 485 MADison Avenue. It was illustrated by the one and only Mort Drucker! (Yep, the very same Mort Drucker who used to draw covers for the Bob Hope comic book.)

We came across a big stack of them in the stock room, but as you can see, there was a limited number produced:

So, do you want one of your own? You DO? Luckily, they're easy to get: mail us a self-addressed STAMPED envelope that will fit the 3.5" x 5.5" card. We'll pop one in there, seal it with a kiss and send it back your way. One per customer, and make sure it's stamped! Send it to:

Three Idiots Postcard
MAD Magazine
1700 Broadway
New York, NY 10019

Once we run out, that's that! So stop reading this stupid blog and go find an envelope NOW!