Longtime MAD readers will remember this ill-conceived product from 1987. Warner Books packaged five copies of Howling MAD and five copies of Monster MAD — each 16 pages — with the hope that people would distribute them to trick-or-treaters instead of candy. (Evidently Warner Books thought it was okay to rot kids minds, but not their teeth!) We have no idea if the Halloween giveaway was successful or not, but since we didn’t do it again the following year, we suspect Warner Books lost a bundle on the deal.

Anyway, we unearthed a bunch of them in our recent move and since we couldn’t find a single listing for them on eBay, it appears the public’s demand for these classics remains somewhere around nil.

Jack-O-Lanterns have long been a Halloween tradition. So has having them smashed by a bunch of snot-nosed little punks! This year, create an even bigger mess and scare away all those pesky brats looking for free handouts with our Alfred-E-Lantern stencil!

Instructions:

1) Click the image below to get a bigger version of the stencil, then print. Since you’re bound to screw up the directions on your first and second attempts, print out at least three copies of the stencil.



2) To make the stencil easier to cut and use, you may want to glue it to a thin piece of cardboard, a thick card stock, or a first edition copy of We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates. Be creative — we won't tell!

3) Using an X-ACTO knife, razor or box cutter (which means you won't be able to carve your pumpkin at an airport), cut out the black portions of Alfred’s face. IMPORTANT: IF YOU'RE YOUNG, OR SIMPLY CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH POINTY OBJECTS, YOU SHOULD GET THE HELP OF AN ADULT. Plus, if you're Jack-O-Lantern ends up sucking, you now have someone else to blame.

4) Place the newly-cut stencil on the front of the pumpkin and tape it in place. If you have extra tape, why not put it on your face and comically distort your features? Go ahead, we'll wait!

5) Welcome back! Using a permanent marker or paint sponge, fill in or dab over the stencil until the cut-out areas are covered. You'll now have an image of Alfred on your pumpkin. If the image resembles Regis Philbin, you've messed up big time.

6) Now, you can either carve Alfred’s face out of the pumpkin or simply leave the stenciled face as is. Both are equally horrifying!

If you've done everything right, your pumpkin will look like one of the two up top, only a whole heckuva lot less Photoshoppy!

"Scooby Don't" is brought to you by the deep fried brain of Jason Yungbluth! From MAD #470, October 2006

After failing to follow through on her community service, Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to janitor duty in the L.A. County Morgue. Here's what she can expect to encounter, in this classic article from Don Martin and Don "Duck" Edwing.

From MAD #273, September 1987

Writer: Don "Duck" Edwing
Artist: Don Martin