TIGHT END OF THE LINE DEPT.
Things keep getting worse for former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez, who is under investigation for a 2012 double murder in Boston at the same time a case proceeds against him for the murder of a “friend.” Virtually nobody is proclaiming Hernandez’s innocence, and he seems destined for a life of dirty bunkbeds and sharpened toothbrush handles. Is there anyone out there who can sympathize with this guy? Funny you should ask…
FONEBONE FRIDAY DEPT.
DEEN OF ADMISSIONS DEPT.
Since Paula Deen’s admission that she used a racially insensitive word, her endorsement deals have been drying up faster than a double-breaded chicken breast deep fried in oil for 3 to 5 days. Her fall from grace reminds us of that of another southern belle from deep in the heart of Dixie.
MODEL EMPLOYEE DEPT.
Happy birthday to Lenny “The Beard” Brenner, MAD’s long-time Art Director. Though not professionally trained as a model, Lenny had a unique talent for humiliating himself in front of the camera. Here are some of our favorite Lenny moments.
CIVIL RIGHTS AND WRONGS DEPT.
Yesterday, in their finite wisdom, the Supreme Court essentially overturned the 1965 Voting Rights Act, the passage of which was one of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s greatest accomplishments. Tragically, Dr. King was taken from us many years ago, but if he were alive now we’re sure he’d have something to say.
THE MORE THE MARRY-ER DEPT.
Today, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the Defense of Marriage of Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional — meaning that same-sex couples would receive the same federal benefits as other married couples. It’s a great day for equality, a great day for tolerance, and a terrible day for homosexuals with commitment issues. All in all, though, SCOTUS made a bold move — and it’s time to sing their praises.
TURN YOUR HEAD AND COFFEE DEPT.
Despite the fact that coffee prices are way down, in a “screw-you” to their customers, Starbucks obnoxiously raised prices today. We think it’s fitting then that they provide a new cup for their overrated Joe.
HIDE AND LEAK DEPT.