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Reasons Why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Finally Got Engaged

THE FOOLS OF ENGAGEMENT DEPT.

After 7 years and almost as many babies, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announced that they’re engaged to be married. What does this mean for the allegedly-happy couple? For one thing, they can look forward to getting a brand new toaster! It also means you’ll have to read these…

North Korea's Rocket Failure Kit

JONG-Y ROCKETS DEPT.

Yesterday, a rocket launched by North Korea went kablooey (which is NOT a Korean word meaning “successfully into space”!) The failure left the country’s leaders with egg on their faces — which, tragically, for millions of starving North Koreans, is as close to a meal as they’ll get! It’s not surprising that the rocket blew apart, considering where it came from...

Insanely Exhaustive Reasons Why Charles Manson Was Denied Parole

YOU'VE GOT JAIL DEPT.

On Wednesday, Charles Manson was denied parole for the 12th, and probably final, time. Ever since being locked up 40 years ago for engineering a series of grisly murders, ol’ Chuckles just can’t catch a break! We’re sure that the parole board must have had their reasons for keeping the wild-eyed kook from sweet, sweet freedom — in fact, here they are!

Ozzie Guillen's Despot Dream Team

HALL OF SHAME DEPT.

Miami Marlins coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games after stating that he “loved” and “respected” longtime Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Last time we checked, the constitution protected free speech — even free stupid speech.

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