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Ways the Queen of England is Celebrating Her 60th Anniversary on the Throne

CROWNING AROUND DEPT.

Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee is finally upon us! After 60 years of being pampered and waited on hand and foot while doing virtually nothing, she certainly deserves an over-the-top party (in America, she’d just get a reality show on E!).

"New Rules" for the Mets now that Bill Maher is a Part Owner

ANOTHER FINE METS DEPT.

This past weekend, comedian Bill Maher revealed that he bought a 4% interest in the New York Mets. Knowing the outspoken Maher, we expect it's only a matter of time before he begins butting into team affairs and throwing his weight around. Just like on his HBO show, Real Time, Maher will soon begin imposing some ridiculous "New Rules."

Signs That Zombies Do Exist

ZOMBIE DEAREST DEPT.

Recently, the Center for Disease Control reassured the public that despite various cannibal crimes that have occurred lately, there is NOT a virus in existence could result in a zombie apocalypse (seriously). While we’d like to be comforted by this official stance, we also know better than to trust anything the government says! And it actually doesn’t take much investigating to see that the CDC is full of BS.

Surprising Developments in the World Chess Championship Match

BORED GAME DEPT.

Yesterday, Viswanathan Anand successfully defended his title as World Chess Champion by defeating Boris Gelfand. Now, we know what you’re thinking — the only thing more boring than playing chess has got to be watching chess be played. Well that’s where you’re wrong! The match was filled with exciting, surprising events! Don’t get us wrong, it was still boring – but for a chess game, pretty exciting!

Things You Could Have Done with $38 Instead of Buying a Share of Facebook Stock

AN UNFAIR SHARE DEPT.

As shares of Facebook stock continue to fall, many investors are now wringing their hands, ruing the day they paid a whopping $38 per share for Facebook’s Initial Public Offering. With billions lost and the stock now down over 20%, all that investors can do is weep uncontrollably and think about all the great things they could have spent that money on. 

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