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How Hot is it in New York City?

SCHVITZ HAPPENS DEPT.

Here in New York, local weatherpeople are saying that for the next few days, temperatures will get into the upper nineties, with humidity making it feel more like a brain-melting 105°. Sure, that’s plenty hot — but how hot is it, really?

Roger Clemens Hall of Fame Plaque Revealed

ASTERISK AND REWARD DEPT.

Legendary baseball fraud Roger Clemens beat the steroid-perjury rap yesterday when a jury declared him innocent of lying to Congress — thereby boosting his chances of getting into to the Hall of Fame from “zero” to “hopelessly remote.” On the off chance that he does make it, here’s the plaque that awaits him in Cooperstown.

Lance Armstrong's Bloody Problem

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN, LANCE? DEPT.

The US Anti-Doping Agency has once again leveled doping charges against that dope Lance Armstrong, accusing him of altering his blood samples to cover up use of performance-enhancing substances, including EPO and testosterone. If found guilty, he can be stripped of his seven Tour De France titles and be barred from future competition.

Lies that George Zimmerman’s Wife Told Police

LIAR BEWARE DEPT.

George Zimmerman’s wife, Shellie, was charged with perjury on Tuesday after telling a judge that the couple had “limited money,” when they’d actually raised over $135,000 on George’s website, TrayvonKindOfScaredMe.com. If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine — and that’s not even taking into account these...

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