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New Shows on the DogTV Channel

IT'S THE LEASH YOU CAN DO DEPT.

DogTV, a new on-demand channel made specifically for dogs, recently debuted in San Diego — and enough suckers there are paying five bucks a month for it that DogTV will soon be offered nationwide.  The channel features “footage and soundtracks designed for stimulation [and] relaxation” — meaning lots of traffic, nature scenes, and, of course, canine-centric twists on human favorites.

Reasons Why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Finally Got Engaged

THE FOOLS OF ENGAGEMENT DEPT.

After 7 years and almost as many babies, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announced that they’re engaged to be married. What does this mean for the allegedly-happy couple? For one thing, they can look forward to getting a brand new toaster! It also means you’ll have to read these…

North Korea's Rocket Failure Kit

JONG-Y ROCKETS DEPT.

Yesterday, a rocket launched by North Korea went kablooey (which is NOT a Korean word meaning “successfully into space”!) The failure left the country’s leaders with egg on their faces — which, tragically, for millions of starving North Koreans, is as close to a meal as they’ll get! It’s not surprising that the rocket blew apart, considering where it came from...

Insanely Exhaustive Reasons Why Charles Manson Was Denied Parole

YOU'VE GOT JAIL DEPT.

On Wednesday, Charles Manson was denied parole for the 12th, and probably final, time. Ever since being locked up 40 years ago for engineering a series of grisly murders, ol’ Chuckles just can’t catch a break! We’re sure that the parole board must have had their reasons for keeping the wild-eyed kook from sweet, sweet freedom — in fact, here they are!

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